Grandma Hettie, Heckler Book Critic
Hi kids. You know what? A grown-up professional journalist who apparently isn’t officially mentally retarded has just written an entire book about Karaoke, the ancient Japanese musical art in which unattractive untalented amateur singers drunkenly imitate good-looking talented professionals. Karaoke, as all good Americans know, is just another shitty product from the same failed imperial Asian nation that gave us the Honda CRX and the Pokemon balls my grandchildren choked on.
Sadly not influenced at all by Frankfurt School critic Theodor Adorno’s The Culture Industry, Rob Sheffield’s book Turn Around Bright Eyes: The Rituals of Love and Karaoke is, rather, a sentimental heartstring-tugging piece of shit that shows how goddamned privileged Eastern-educated Yankee turds can embarrass themselves time and time again in the act of singing badly in public and somehow not feel like complete assholes the next day.
Rated 0 stars of 10: Another stupid pop culture book with no fucking balls at all, says Grandma.
And then of course ol’ Grammy here has to waste what’s left of her fading eyesight reading on and on about the fey Mr. Sheffield and his dumb hussy companion’s narcissistic Karaoke escapism in the face of an amoral, hyper-consumerist post-9/11 society and how their tenth-rate Karaoke duets-from-hell actually fuel their sickly pale pimply geek attraction to one another. “Before I met her,” writes the needle-dick pansy-ass Sheffield, “I was working hard on learning how to open up and sing my life. But singing our life is better.” Oh my God, fuck that. Back in my day, heterosexual males did not write shit like this.
If you must know, the ending fucking pissed me off, as it didn’t involve these fancy-pants no-talent city folk having their vocal cords ripped out and devoured by a pack of rabid coyotes.
Ok, that’s all for me this week kids, gotta go down to the corner store for some buttermilk now. Y’all join grandma for the next bad book corner, ya hear?